Anger Heroin

Anger is a drug, and an addictive one at that.  When angry your heart rate, arterial tension (blood pressure), and testosterone production increase while the production of cortisol (the stress hormone) decreases.  More telling is that the left frontal region of the brain becomes more active when angry.  This region of the brain is usually associated with positive emotions like happiness and closeness, while the right frontal region of the brain is associated with negative emotions like sadness and fear and withdrawal.

What this means is that anger, while we generally look at it as a negative emotion, is processed by our brains as a positive one.  In other words, we are hardwired to enjoy anger.  Because it decreases the stress hormone and activates the closeness center of the brain we are naturally inclined to stay close to anger for as long as possible.

While there is nothing wrong with righteous anger (or anger that you feel for a just reason) there is a danger in holding on to that anger for so long that it becomes self-righteous anger (or anger that you feel just because it feels good to feel it).  Righteous anger is sometimes necessary and is completely understandable, but it should rise and then fade quickly.  Self-righteous anger is never necessary and speaks more to the fact that you have been caught up in an anger addiction than it speaks to any perceived slight against you no matter how you have justified it to yourself.

It is possible, however, to break free of anger addictions by replacing them with something else.  The best choice here is compassion.  Research from Stanford University has shown that the left frontal region is activated during meditation of monks focusing on compassion.  The same type of meditation has also been shown to reduce stress, which means that the levels of cortisol have dropped.  Compassionate meditation also lowers your heart rate and blood pressure, instead of increasing it like focusing on anger does.

What I take this to mean is that looking on your enemies (even if your enemy is yourself) with compassion instead of anger gives the same type of enjoyment to the body (lower levels of cortisol, activated left frontal region) without the negative side effects.  It has the power to break you free of an anger addiction.  Compassion is the methadone to your anger heroin.

My dad told me the other day while we were out eating that I should still be pissed off at Sam because of the car.  He didn’t understand why I wasn’t.  This is why.  I was angry for about 30 minutes and then realized that that anger would not only have a detrimental effect on me physically and psychically, but also a have detrimental effect on the relationship that I have with Sam.  I chose, instead, to look on the situation with compassion.  It was hard.  It’s still hard at moments.  The situation doesn’t suck less because I’m being compassionate and understanding, but it would definitely suck more if I were caught in an anger addiction.  It would be destructive to myself and those around me.

That is not my high.

The Wheel of Fortune

I haven't written anything since my brother's wedding, which is bad of me, but ce la vie.  Or YOLO.  Whatever the kids are saying nowadays.

This has been a weird couple of weeks.  I'm really unsure how things should end up or will end up.  All I know is that changes to your life can happen in an instant and sometimes they are completely out of your control.  Sometimes those changes are the unforseen consequences of a decision that you made. Sometimes those changes are caused by a decision made by someone else.  A decision that you had no input or control over, but after being made you are left to deal with.  Sometimes those changes are great.  Sometimes they are really bad.  Sometimes they seem really bad at first but end up being awesome in the end.

In Tarot there is a card titled The Wheel of Fortune.  It can represent a lot depending on where it exists in a spread, but the main thing that I want to focus on right now is that it represents cycles of good times and bad.  The top of the wheel signifies good times and happiness. The bottom represents the bad times and struggles.  It reminds us that as long as life exists there will be times of plenty and times of sorrow, and that both are necessary.    If life was a never ending string of great things, then you would become complacent and take everything for granted.  Likewise, if life was just a never ending string of bad things, then life itself would be unable to move forward.  The wheel reminds us that "this too shall pass;"  that every winter is followed by a spring and then a summer; that nothing is eternal; that no matter what crisis you are going through, eventually, it will end and you will grow and what follows may be even better than your best times up to till then.  Sometimes the wheel moves slowly.  Sometimes it moves so quickly your head spins.  For me these last couple of weeks have represented the wheel rolling in dramatic fashion.

Last week a lot happened, but I think that the one thing of note is that I dropped acid again.  This time with Steven in his home.  This experience was not life changing nor did it bring up deep thoughts like the last one did.  It was, however, amazing fun as colors danced, camels on cigarette packs walked, shower water became rainbows, and it all culminated in an intense orgasm that lasted for 3 hours until the acid released its hold and with it the pleasure and pain of ecstasy.  My abdominals were so sore the next day.  It was the best work out that I think I've ever had.  Steven seemed to be having an amazing time, too.  He was bouncing around like a cool teenager, letting go of his usual cynicism and just existing in pure joy.  It was really nice to see, at least for a time. 

I do find Steven's cynicism enduring most days.  He balances me.  He has walls and boundaries that I can't seem to formulate for myself, which leaves me wide open to manipulation and being taken advantage of.  I balance him, too, as I think I lead him to examine walls that he has built that he doesn't need anymore.  I fear that this dynamic will lead to strife at times, but I also feel as though we're able to talk about our emotions with each other without judgement; and that we're both capable and comfortable enough to work through them with each other instead of against each other.  We're good together, and I feel as though we will help each other grow.

One of Steven's walls (or several, I'm unsure) leads him to being incredibly anxious in social situations.  In this regard I may have been unfair to him.  At this point I have had him meet pretty much everyone that I know.  My roommates.  My friends.  My family.  My poetry people.  I, however, have only met two of his friends on purpose, and a cousin accidentally.  He mentioned to me that meeting so many people in such a short period of time has left his head spinning.  I think I might have been a little over zealous.  I should have spaced it out a little more.  At the same time, though, I want him to be a fixture in my life.  He has quickly become an important piece of it, and I spend almost all of the free time I have with him.  I would like for him to be there to share in the rest of it, too.  I don't, however, want him to feel as though he follows me around like a puppy dog.  There has to be balance there as well.

On Wednesday of this week I played hookie from work to spend the day with Steven.  I felt anxious all day, but otherwise we had a great day.  We went to Blue Sky Cafe (it was my second time ever eating there, and it's awesome, I'd recommend it to anyone) and afterward went to downtown Hendersonville where we window shopped, had ice cream, went to an antique store, and generally just milled around.  Hendersonville is not my favorite place in the world and I try to avoid it as much as possible.  There's too many negative memories there from when I worked for Mediacom forever ago.  Still, I was with Steven, and we had a lot of fun there together.  Afterwards we went out to the kava bar for the open mic, which was also a lot of fun.  I've missed going and this makes the second time in as many weeks that I went.

It bears repeating that I was feeling incredibly anxious all day Wednesday.  It may have been some sort of precognition, I dunno.  I will say that Steven and I stopped by my apartment for some reason and it just felt really weird.  It smelled different.  It felt different.  I couldn't stand to stay there long so I grabbed what I needed to grab and we left pretty quickly.  My heightened state of anxiety led me to call Sam after Steven and I got back to his house at about 1 AM.  Sam was out at a concert with Tyler and Tyler's friend Colin.  I had remembered that banks would be closed on Friday for Fourth of July and we still needed to pay rent so I was making sure that Sam knew that it was imperitive that I received his rent money somehow the following day.  We had agreed that I would meet up with Sam at his job during his lunch break the following day.

I woke up late on Thursday.  For some reason the alarm on my phone didn't go off.  It's probably good that it didn't, because Steven and I left his house and had decided to just pick up my car since by the time we made it to Sam's job it would have been just after he had to go back in for work after lunch.  When we pulled into the parking lot we couldn't find my car.  I saw Sam's coworker (and our mutual friend) Adrienne walking across the parking lot and we stopped and I asked her if Sam had made it in to work that day.

Adrienne looked like a frightened squirrel for a moment.  She took a deep breath and told me these things:

 

• Sam, Tyler, and Colin were in an accident.
• No one was hurt.
• Sam is in jail.
• My car that Sam was driving was totaled.

I was pissed.  Not because it had happened, really, but because no one called me as soon as it happened.  I could have driven out there with Steven.  I could have said that I was driving.  I could have fixed things so Sam wasn't arrested.  But no one gave me that opportunity.  I had to hear about it the next day from a third party who wasn't even involved.  I called Tyler immediately and he said that he was heading to the courthouse to bail Sam out.  To make a long story short, that ended up being unnecessary, as they only held Sam long enough for him to sober up.  My anger dissipated as soon as I saw Tyler.  The dude was almost in tears and hugged me.  I called my mom and told her what was happening.  She and my dad are incredibly angry at Sam.  There was talk as soon as I called her about maybe having to press charges against him as she was going to tell the insurance company that he was driving the car without permission.  I don't think anything is going to come of that, though, and that's good.  It's all out of my hands, though.  My mom is dealing with the insurance.  Sam is dealing with the fallout.  I'm powerless in this situation.  I have no control over any real aspect of it and it's driving me insane.  My parents are angry at Sam.  Steven is angry at Sam.  Everyone is mad at him on my behalf, and I'm just... not.  I don't see how it would help the situation at all.  It happened, and now the fallout has to be dealt with.

The Wheel turned and it will continue turning.  This moment of winter will turn into spring.